Why you should stop obsessing over finding "the one"

March 15, 2019


“The one”, an age old belief that is so intensely engrained within our society, myself included. It is in every story book, song and movie; it runs deep into the root system of our subconscious and the collective consciousness of the planet.


I often find myself trying to avoid this sort of conditioning but I know there is a part of me that still yearns for it. It was promised to me since I was a little girl, something like that can be hard to let go of. And just when I think I have let it go, there is another layer underneath waiting to reveal itself.


And the the thing is, maybe it will never go away. Maybe it is attached to this primal part of us that seeks a mate for survival. But can we evolve beyond this? Can we feel these feelings and deep patterning but make a rational choice to move past it and seek something more?


Love is not rational but I find when it comes to conditioning around finding ‘the one’ I always check into my intentions for connecting romantically with someone. Is it coming from a place of clarity and alignment or is it coming from a place of wanting to fill this primal desire of finding my one true soul mate that I can ride off into the sunset with on a white stallion that has been brushed and oiled to perfection so when the light hits its coat it looks like a glowing angel?


Seriously though. Imagine if we spent half the time we spend looking for the one on looking for ourselves instead.


My whole teens and early twenties consisted of me bouncing from relationship to relationship. Essentially running away from myself by dating people/on this quest to find the man of my dreams. To me I was totally avoiding my own shit and then projecting my shit onto my significant other. What a nightmare.   


What I have found helpful for my own journey is to look at what qualities I am seeking in another and can I find them in myself? If not, developing those qualities until I no longer seek them out.


It’s about not coming from a place of needing completion but being whole and meeting someone who is also whole in themselves. When we are seeking completion this often leads to co-dependency in relationship, essentially two halves meeting to make a whole.


It’s not about not being in relationship, its about being in relationship with yourself first.


That old saying of you can only meet someone as deeply as you’ve met yourself is so true. If you want deep, connective, expansive mind blowing love that transcends time and space then it needs to be cultivated in the self first.




Here’s a little game you can play (grab a piece of paper and pen), imagine you’ve met “the one” they are standing in front of you are you are noticing and feeling of their qualities. Answer each of these questions before moving onto the next.


What do they bring into your life?


What does your relationship look like?


How does that person speak and converse towards you?


What do you receive from being with this person? What are you grateful for?


What are some tangible activities or things you would do with this person?


How does it feel being with this person?


What are three actions you can take to become this person for yourself?





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