Love and sex are two separate things. Two people can love each other deeply, with or without sex. Two people can have sex, with or without love.
When in love, it is common to attach to the idea that we should only share sexual experiences with our partner and that any desire for physical connection with another, marks an uncommitted heart. Although I have never been in a polyamorous or open relationship, I am no stranger to the subject.
Your lover desiring others can be a painful topic but offers much growth.
Early in 2018, my partner and I were travelling through Thailand and found a spiritual and connected community that was very much pro polyamory. These people I connected with and shared time with, lived through their heart spaces. Living through the heart is rarer in this world as most people live primarily from their ego. What I took from these high vibrational beings, was that their polyamorous behaviour helped them to shed layers of their egos. The goal was to love others unconditionally, without attachment to who they shared their bodies and hearts with and to celebrate them for hopefully having a pleasurable experience.
All parties involved were given an opportunity to grow. The partner who had a new sexual encounter could grow from experiencing a connection with someone else and the other partner could face their shadow and confront their ego. Triggered issues could include jealousy, possessiveness, self-worth, self-love and the need for validation through sex. These relationships were being used to rise above the ego and love other’s without expectation or attachment. For some people this feels very natural and like the right thing to do along their journey of self-discovery and healing. For others, this may not feel like the right thing to be involved in and that is completely ok.
Honour thy self.
My partner and I are both truth seekers and on spiritual paths. Our environment triggered a challenging and painful conversation around potentially opening our relationship. We took time apart to connect with what we wanted and needed as individuals. I realised, I needed to honour that I did not want an open relationship. If my partner did, I would continue to love him for his beautiful soul but could no longer be in a relationship with him. Thankfully, he also wanted monogamy.
Since our time in Thailand our relationship has continued to grow and blossom into something wonderful. We have something that is mutually beneficial. This light and incredible love was only obtained by diving into the shit and shadows with each other. Relationships move in cycles of ease and challenge, if you are both aware and open, you are granted opportunities to grow. To wish for a relationship that flatlines on ease, offers you no growth. So I ask, what is the point?
More recently, my partner and I took time away from each other to reflect on our relationship. We had reached a steady peak of bliss, so of course it was time for it to crash down and enter into a period of challenge. One issue that was brought to light, was his sexual desire for other women had intensified, which triggered him to question his love for me. He was confused why he was feeling this way, if his love was deeply true. Feelings of rejection, fear and not being enough were triggered in me, so I took a step back into myself to reconnect with my power and independence.
So, did he.
As an Astrologer, I couldn’t help but look into how the planets were affecting us, giving me an indication of the karmic lessons behind the situation. What I read, amongst other things, was that both of our Lilith placements had been aspected/triggered at this time. Lilith plays out differently in a man’s chart to a woman’s chart. In short, for a woman, Lilith is connected to the matriarch, the sorceress and her seductive power. Due to us living in a patriarchal society, this is often aspects of a woman she feels she must hide. For a man, Lilith can make a man go wild with animalistic, sexual desire for a woman. It could also trigger a desire to see a woman in sexual power, a subconscious desire for matriarchy.
When the time came to reconcile and unite again, I asked for clarity around his desire for other women and where he stood. Did he want an open relationship? The answer I received was that his urges were animalistic. He desired sex but did not desire connection. His love and appreciation for me and this relationship was high and valuable to him. This urge is to serve him as a spiritual lesson, with the reward being a blissful love and life with me. Fuck yeah.
The lessons from our friends in Thailand resurfaced. To love another deeply and unconditionally is to become unattached from the desires of the physical body. His desire for others was not a reflection of my lacking but his desire to push through it is a reflection of our bond. You are not your physical body and at times it will long for things that do not serve the heart and soul. It is a part of the human experience. It doesn’t matter if you are poly or dancing in duality, there are many layers of ego that can be shed on the topic of your partner and their desire for others.
If two people genuinely care for each other, the love can access realms that transcend the physical body and current earthly situation. When you find a kindred spirit, don’t let jealousy, possessiveness and your bruised ego screw it up. Spend time without distractions, sober and sitting in those emotions. Let the emotions move through your body. Feel them. Let them bring you to tears if need be. Before you move on, take a moment to question how this emotion is serving you, your partner or your relationship. Then remind yourself that an emotion is an experience, you are not the emotion. You are the being having the experience. Unattach from the emotion being anything more than an experience.
Practice makes you strong, practicing Yoga makes you stronger.